It’s a family despair 

Well I suppose that today, the date of birth of my Daddy is as good a day as any to decide that I need a few hours on a therapist couch to resolve some family issues. 

I’ve gotten so much older and done so much, yet this still bothers me and as you know usually when folks say they don’t care-it means they do. 

I just don’t feel connected or as if I really have any.  Yes it does bother me that I have no real feeling or drive to connect.  I can go months years and sometimes even forget in my day to day that I have all these relatives out here through hook or crook. 

It feels like Ole High school friends, yall cool but I will see you in five years.

There are these connections that exist but I don’t really have any of my own.  

I’ve spoken before that I have apparently failed as an Aunt, Sister, Cousin and probably a few more titles when it comes to this some of it my fault alot of it the result of the wrong kinda conditioning and upbringing.

There are buckets of things that need the top taken off of and see what it smells like –  I have two that I do actually love dearly but those relationships have been sullied and damaged by outside Influences, decisions I made (we all made) to try to stay afloat with another more powerful relationship, the Mother Daughter thang and just sooo much water up under the bridge 

I have lingering anxiety about it all and it can swell when there are attempts to meet.  If it’s not about the past – — I feel the gap of the unknown.  I am afraid to put my heart out there again only for it to end up like it always does.  I’m 50 now, I’m old…is it even worth it 

I worry that when our matriarch is gone – that’s a wrap for this. 

I won’t even touch the whole ‘biological’ and that disconnect. That might be 2018 lol 

What I know is I need to come to some resolution, whatever it is and I can admit that I’m fucked up about it all.  That leads to trying to discover why, to saying aloud what you did and what you do to see if there is another path. 

I got anxiety now about some shit happening 6 months from now, but I’m going to try to push through because even I know the movie is never the same as the book.  I need to maybe just focus on the dimensions of said movie and leave the multi layered book alone. 

I especially worry about the subsequent disconnect of my child. I’m her only parent left and I’ve had to actually say to her I won’t be here forever and thus she needs to find one or two to fall back on.  Youth can see and she has seen and she ain’t feeling it either.  I need to show her how and in order to do that, I need to figure it out myself.

Last time I went the dude was so fascinated with the story he was trying to buy the rights lol 

We will see what happens…this time. 

Resigning from the Position of SBW*

To Whom It May Concern –

This blog constitutes my resignation from the title, moniker and stressful position of being a ‘STRONG BLACK WOMAN’ effective immediately.  The entire scope of the concept has left me tired and out of sorts not to mention this position is hella stressful.

Carrying this around has broken my back more than the actual stuff I’m suppose to be so strong for.  Who decided that I needed to be so fucking strong.  I can’t do shit! I can’t be sad, I can’t be mad, I can’t cry, I can’t ask nobody for shit, I can’t emote, I can’t be a bitch – like dayum!

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Whole groups of black men are no longer willing to help, check up on or assist because some of you broads are constantly running around I’m Strong, I’m independent, I don’t need…well guess what – I DO!!  I need some fucking help!  Can a sister put down all these damn totes from the beginning of time and just relax and get the hump out her back?

Can I just admit that nigga gave me the best dick ever and I’mma miss him!  No I don’t damn him to hell – he meant something to me!!!!!  why I got to act like him packing his old duffel bag didn’t send me in the bathroom tub in the dark about to go off.  I can’t even say above a whisper that I even..want..a man.

The sheer act of posting at MINIMUM 35 meme’s a day about how broke the fuck down I was….last night, but with myself  and God I’m alright is exhausting and I haven’t seen any growth in this position.

I want all my ability to be soft, feminine and sometimes just be like ‘baby I don’t know how to do” “I don’t want to do it” “Can you help me do it” back!  There are so many pockets of this ‘gang’ and it is a gang that makes even hanging out not worth it.  Funny all we do is fight and think up situation where we can pull out the moniker like it’s a damn AARP card.  I’m Happy bout that card, not so much about the rest.

No no need to pat me on the back or give me a going away party.  I don’t want it.  I just want while I’m gone for some focus groups and some editing of the manual to be done while I’m gone.  I will jump back in there at some point – I just really need a break – I work better when I can have a healthy balance between strength and vulnerability.

*though this is satirical in a manner of speaking…it ain’t.