A Few Sips of the Good Stuff

It seems to go the same way, I attempt to tag someone with something I specifically think they will enjoy and that is when I discover that we are no longer friends on Facebook.  This is the third time that has happened.  I then will go and see how many folks are no longer mystified by that which is Pamela, lol  Apparently this time 2 people are no longer on the friend list. Ok…….. (yea it sometimes bothers me especially in one case – this is a part of life now and so moves made on the platform are considered with feelings. Stop pretending that it doesn’t, especially because nine times out of ten you actually know these people)

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Straight up –  I am embarrassed that I have gained my weight back.  Yea there are many factors, but the truth is when you eat – there is a 90% chance you are going to gain and it’s going to come back so much quicker than it took to get it off.  It is moments like these that i am glad I have the love of folks because I don’t look like when we saw each other almost three years ago, but he loves me, I have backed out of surprise visits to her gym and haven’t been to her new space, but she still loves me, I have gotten frustrated in the mirror, but she says mom don’t do that, cause she loves me.  I see folks who say I ‘inspired’ them trying and being.  I KNOW how hard it is, I see folks everyday in my space.  I’m not sure why I couldn’t push through the depression this time in a positive way.  I feel this weight – my chin is looking like damn hot dogs, my knees are slow to heal but I decided that I won’t let that be a ‘crutch’.  3 years ago on January 21st I had my first epiphany and joined Planet Fitness.  I haven’t ever cancelled my membership and I don’t intend to.  I picked that date because I didn’t want to be a New Year New Me person.  A trip to the Dr. and a photograph in an old ball gown did it.  Time for me to get out this lurch and clear my head in a more healthier way.  I can do this….I can do this..Summer 2017 will be cute and sexy.

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I really don’t want my social media to turn into endless and continuous political and race posts but this time in history is turbulent and it has certainly taken over and it’s so compelling that you have to piece together where you stand by what is posted.  I know there are so many of my more cynical brothers and sisters that have slid down in their seats waiting on the inevitable – us to fade off into the horizon like we usually do and it’s inevitable and I can admit that I’m so driven right now by just pure emotion, but I also no matter how I have decided to define my spirituality believe that the white man is the devil, so don’t get that twisted as I compose my narrative.  I am well aware that a lot of this is just him being him, but because I’m not running between the lines of religion – I can dart all over the field picking up rocks to build my fortress – however, believe me when I say the foundation of that structure is that he’s the devil.

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One of my parenting objectives, especially when I moved from Philadelphia was to make sure she wasn’t me and I wasn’t her. There was a period where I was on that path and believe me that little time did some damage, but I recognized it in her eyes and so I changed and it has been for the better. The better of our relationship, the better of her future, the better of our future.  She’s not here to be the person I didn’t seem to be or to be the person I wish she was, she’s here to be the person she needs to be.  I tell her to live her authentic self whatever that is – people will always be fickle and some people will never accept anything less than what they feel they have the right to have control over.  I sat and pondered when I heard that there is ‘conditional’ love in existence in my life – to give it a name, gave me a self preservation platform I could stand upon and a new stage to make sure I stood her on.  Nah I don’t do that – I love her with all my being and I want her to soar and fly and make decisions and mess up and figure it out again and LIVE.  I don’t want her to have but minimal space to try to grow up while she’s being grown.  I have unconditional love for her, and if that means I have to re-examine what I’ve eaten and what’s been force fed to me..then I’m willing to do that.

 

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Resigning from the Position of SBW*

To Whom It May Concern –

This blog constitutes my resignation from the title, moniker and stressful position of being a ‘STRONG BLACK WOMAN’ effective immediately.  The entire scope of the concept has left me tired and out of sorts not to mention this position is hella stressful.

Carrying this around has broken my back more than the actual stuff I’m suppose to be so strong for.  Who decided that I needed to be so fucking strong.  I can’t do shit! I can’t be sad, I can’t be mad, I can’t cry, I can’t ask nobody for shit, I can’t emote, I can’t be a bitch – like dayum!

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Whole groups of black men are no longer willing to help, check up on or assist because some of you broads are constantly running around I’m Strong, I’m independent, I don’t need…well guess what – I DO!!  I need some fucking help!  Can a sister put down all these damn totes from the beginning of time and just relax and get the hump out her back?

Can I just admit that nigga gave me the best dick ever and I’mma miss him!  No I don’t damn him to hell – he meant something to me!!!!!  why I got to act like him packing his old duffel bag didn’t send me in the bathroom tub in the dark about to go off.  I can’t even say above a whisper that I even..want..a man.

The sheer act of posting at MINIMUM 35 meme’s a day about how broke the fuck down I was….last night, but with myself  and God I’m alright is exhausting and I haven’t seen any growth in this position.

I want all my ability to be soft, feminine and sometimes just be like ‘baby I don’t know how to do” “I don’t want to do it” “Can you help me do it” back!  There are so many pockets of this ‘gang’ and it is a gang that makes even hanging out not worth it.  Funny all we do is fight and think up situation where we can pull out the moniker like it’s a damn AARP card.  I’m Happy bout that card, not so much about the rest.

No no need to pat me on the back or give me a going away party.  I don’t want it.  I just want while I’m gone for some focus groups and some editing of the manual to be done while I’m gone.  I will jump back in there at some point – I just really need a break – I work better when I can have a healthy balance between strength and vulnerability.

*though this is satirical in a manner of speaking…it ain’t.

 

 

 

Pam Ali Ain’t Shit

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A joke and really it was a joke by a dear dear friend, I’m still chuckling about that whole situation – started some wheels to turning and today I spent some time in reflection to allow those wheels to eventually run over and expose something that had been presenting itself.

It’s been a month now since I have been employed.  Baby let me tell you, I have NO REGRETS, regardless of what folks thought I should be doing, for taking this time to just B-R-E-A-T-H-E!!  To be outside at 11 am, to scream at the women on Maury, to let some survival skills kick in and get some things done in spite of.  All kinds of stuff – and I’m not done with my sabbatical.

When it happen, I actually didn’t know whether to start doing the tootsie roll or cry.  It was a blessing in disguise.  I was in a space and place that I didn’t know how to remove myself from and the Universe did it for me.

No matter, you go through all these emotions:

  • Oh Shit I have no job
  • Oh Shit did I say I have no job
  • Who do I tell?  Why do I tell? Do I wanna tell?
  • You MOURN the loss of the regular
  • You CHASTISE yourself for not knowing how NOT to be on the regular
  • You feel up entire notebooks with every conceivable budget and plan imaginable to man
  • You go into Zombie Apocalypse mode and get you a hoard worthy of A&E
  • That weird space
    • where people you work directly start acting weird;
    • people you have worked with for over a decade are acting weird;
    • once you are gone then those people act even weirder;
    • your entire daytime ‘friend’ structure is shattered and will never be the same;
  • You MUST remain grateful and humble with all the ideas, help, ears, etc. coming you way because they mean well and you know this but all you really wanna do is go get in the bed for a week
  • You meet your family for the first time because remember you spent more time there than with them
  • You fight the imaginary haters waiting in anticipation of seeing you fall fall fall because remaining level isn’t fun – especially on Social Media – you need to lose it all, crawl around and then give this long testimony to make the top 10
  • You gotta keep living in the here and now when you actually want to go on vacation – oh shit you currently ARE on a vacation of sorts, lol

Even with more stuff flying at me, I’ve not only kept afloat, but I’ve had on a cute swimsuit while I have been doing it.

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I realized that statement above has been the blockage that I need to get around even if I don’t want to – the feeling that… I AIN’T SHIT.  This feeling didn’t even come for the dissolution of employment it came before that in a situation that I won’t get into, but from that day forward as I sat in that room and had to go into a cat backed into a corner mode – it never got right…it never got right.  That situation resolved itself as well and Karma is a muthafucka yes it is, BUT never forget sometimes no matter how you want it to go – some folks just are thin and swift enough to move out the way.  The main set of circumstance you would think would be a catch net – has been nowhere to be found and though at first I was in my feelings briefly (and I do mean briefly) – it was the best thing.  I’m glad and happy to be standing in a whole new street, yet I haven’t been all that eager to see what’s in the shops and stores that decorate that new street.

My Self Esteem is GREAT, no really, but my Self Confidence is in the crapper.  I was made to feel like that and I’ve taken that with me in my boxes as I walked out the door. These two things are interdependent.  Self esteem allows you to feel good about yourself, self-confidence is the ability to show it to others.  That has flatlined……..

HOWEVER, I think I feel a pulse Doctor!!!!!  You know how I talk about how cleansing for me Funerals are…well yesterday was a 360 degree experience and I definitely learned a lot.  If no one else believes, I’ve got to believe that I AM SHIT!! That I’m a good person, that I’m a person other people enjoy being around, that though not perfect, I try everyday to be a better Pam. That I have skills and abilities, and am wanted out here in the world.

So tomorrow, I am resolved to throw my hat in the employment ring for real.  Yea I got a few trips planned for April (lol) but I need to throw my hat out there so that I can be in the race.  So that I can make the step of combining my hard-earned self-esteem with the power to BE and DO – my self-confidence.

I’mma stay not being shit to some folks – but that’s ok – as long as I’m the shit to the folks who I think are the shit namely…ME than I will be ok.

Thanks to my dear friend for saying that – in your jest you opened the door to some discovery – when I get this new gig that definitely will be better and hopefully more satisfying – the drinks are on me 🙂