It seems to go the same way, I attempt to tag someone with something I specifically think they will enjoy and that is when I discover that we are no longer friends on Facebook. This is the third time that has happened. I then will go and see how many folks are no longer mystified by that which is Pamela, lol Apparently this time 2 people are no longer on the friend list. Ok…….. (yea it sometimes bothers me especially in one case – this is a part of life now and so moves made on the platform are considered with feelings. Stop pretending that it doesn’t, especially because nine times out of ten you actually know these people)
Straight up – I am embarrassed that I have gained my weight back. Yea there are many factors, but the truth is when you eat – there is a 90% chance you are going to gain and it’s going to come back so much quicker than it took to get it off. It is moments like these that i am glad I have the love of folks because I don’t look like when we saw each other almost three years ago, but he loves me, I have backed out of surprise visits to her gym and haven’t been to her new space, but she still loves me, I have gotten frustrated in the mirror, but she says mom don’t do that, cause she loves me. I see folks who say I ‘inspired’ them trying and being. I KNOW how hard it is, I see folks everyday in my space. I’m not sure why I couldn’t push through the depression this time in a positive way. I feel this weight – my chin is looking like damn hot dogs, my knees are slow to heal but I decided that I won’t let that be a ‘crutch’. 3 years ago on January 21st I had my first epiphany and joined Planet Fitness. I haven’t ever cancelled my membership and I don’t intend to. I picked that date because I didn’t want to be a New Year New Me person. A trip to the Dr. and a photograph in an old ball gown did it. Time for me to get out this lurch and clear my head in a more healthier way. I can do this….I can do this..Summer 2017 will be cute and sexy.
I really don’t want my social media to turn into endless and continuous political and race posts but this time in history is turbulent and it has certainly taken over and it’s so compelling that you have to piece together where you stand by what is posted. I know there are so many of my more cynical brothers and sisters that have slid down in their seats waiting on the inevitable – us to fade off into the horizon like we usually do and it’s inevitable and I can admit that I’m so driven right now by just pure emotion, but I also no matter how I have decided to define my spirituality believe that the white man is the devil, so don’t get that twisted as I compose my narrative. I am well aware that a lot of this is just him being him, but because I’m not running between the lines of religion – I can dart all over the field picking up rocks to build my fortress – however, believe me when I say the foundation of that structure is that he’s the devil.
One of my parenting objectives, especially when I moved from Philadelphia was to make sure she wasn’t me and I wasn’t her. There was a period where I was on that path and believe me that little time did some damage, but I recognized it in her eyes and so I changed and it has been for the better. The better of our relationship, the better of her future, the better of our future. She’s not here to be the person I didn’t seem to be or to be the person I wish she was, she’s here to be the person she needs to be. I tell her to live her authentic self whatever that is – people will always be fickle and some people will never accept anything less than what they feel they have the right to have control over. I sat and pondered when I heard that there is ‘conditional’ love in existence in my life – to give it a name, gave me a self preservation platform I could stand upon and a new stage to make sure I stood her on. Nah I don’t do that – I love her with all my being and I want her to soar and fly and make decisions and mess up and figure it out again and LIVE. I don’t want her to have but minimal space to try to grow up while she’s being grown. I have unconditional love for her, and if that means I have to re-examine what I’ve eaten and what’s been force fed to me..then I’m willing to do that.