A joke and really it was a joke by a dear dear friend, I’m still chuckling about that whole situation – started some wheels to turning and today I spent some time in reflection to allow those wheels to eventually run over and expose something that had been presenting itself.
It’s been a month now since I have been employed. Baby let me tell you, I have NO REGRETS, regardless of what folks thought I should be doing, for taking this time to just B-R-E-A-T-H-E!! To be outside at 11 am, to scream at the women on Maury, to let some survival skills kick in and get some things done in spite of. All kinds of stuff – and I’m not done with my sabbatical.
When it happen, I actually didn’t know whether to start doing the tootsie roll or cry. It was a blessing in disguise. I was in a space and place that I didn’t know how to remove myself from and the Universe did it for me.
No matter, you go through all these emotions:
- Oh Shit I have no job
- Oh Shit did I say I have no job
- Who do I tell? Why do I tell? Do I wanna tell?
- You MOURN the loss of the regular
- You CHASTISE yourself for not knowing how NOT to be on the regular
- You feel up entire notebooks with every conceivable budget and plan imaginable to man
- You go into Zombie Apocalypse mode and get you a hoard worthy of A&E
- That weird space
- where people you work directly start acting weird;
- people you have worked with for over a decade are acting weird;
- once you are gone then those people act even weirder;
- your entire daytime ‘friend’ structure is shattered and will never be the same;
- You MUST remain grateful and humble with all the ideas, help, ears, etc. coming you way because they mean well and you know this but all you really wanna do is go get in the bed for a week
- You meet your family for the first time because remember you spent more time there than with them
- You fight the imaginary haters waiting in anticipation of seeing you fall fall fall because remaining level isn’t fun – especially on Social Media – you need to lose it all, crawl around and then give this long testimony to make the top 10
- You gotta keep living in the here and now when you actually want to go on vacation – oh shit you currently ARE on a vacation of sorts, lol
Even with more stuff flying at me, I’ve not only kept afloat, but I’ve had on a cute swimsuit while I have been doing it.
I realized that statement above has been the blockage that I need to get around even if I don’t want to – the feeling that… I AIN’T SHIT. This feeling didn’t even come for the dissolution of employment it came before that in a situation that I won’t get into, but from that day forward as I sat in that room and had to go into a cat backed into a corner mode – it never got right…it never got right. That situation resolved itself as well and Karma is a muthafucka yes it is, BUT never forget sometimes no matter how you want it to go – some folks just are thin and swift enough to move out the way. The main set of circumstance you would think would be a catch net – has been nowhere to be found and though at first I was in my feelings briefly (and I do mean briefly) – it was the best thing. I’m glad and happy to be standing in a whole new street, yet I haven’t been all that eager to see what’s in the shops and stores that decorate that new street.
My Self Esteem is GREAT, no really, but my Self Confidence is in the crapper. I was made to feel like that and I’ve taken that with me in my boxes as I walked out the door. These two things are interdependent. Self esteem allows you to feel good about yourself, self-confidence is the ability to show it to others. That has flatlined……..
HOWEVER, I think I feel a pulse Doctor!!!!! You know how I talk about how cleansing for me Funerals are…well yesterday was a 360 degree experience and I definitely learned a lot. If no one else believes, I’ve got to believe that I AM SHIT!! That I’m a good person, that I’m a person other people enjoy being around, that though not perfect, I try everyday to be a better Pam. That I have skills and abilities, and am wanted out here in the world.
So tomorrow, I am resolved to throw my hat in the employment ring for real. Yea I got a few trips planned for April (lol) but I need to throw my hat out there so that I can be in the race. So that I can make the step of combining my hard-earned self-esteem with the power to BE and DO – my self-confidence.
I’mma stay not being shit to some folks – but that’s ok – as long as I’m the shit to the folks who I think are the shit namely…ME than I will be ok.
Thanks to my dear friend for saying that – in your jest you opened the door to some discovery – when I get this new gig that definitely will be better and hopefully more satisfying – the drinks are on me 🙂