So this 50 years old thing is right around the corner. My social media is abuzz with people celebrating this moment with family and friends and sometimes even me, lol It goes without saying that each and every one of us, no matter what year of life we are in, take a moment to reflect and just check in with ourselves as we embark on a new year be it calendar or birth.
For anyone, turning 50 is fraught with a whole bunch of emotions good and bad. It reminds us that our elders also got a year older, it wakes our bodies up to sometimes unpleasant realizations about the way we have treated it and it makes us evaluate if we have or still have time to accomplish something in our lives. Not to mention a lot of us are moving into that grey area of having grown children, grown time and space and maybe even grown relationships.
I got to thinking about the concept of that now I should have clearly defined the notion that I am a GROWN ADULT woman and that I am in this place where the stress of my youth should be waning. I should have been, done, experienced so much that I can rip open my jacket and a giant W (wonder woman aside) should be emblazoned on my chest.
Times have changed though. There used to be clear cut moments and activities that signify these transitions from one decade of life to another, but nowadays the waters are so murky…you can be cradling your grand child on Friday Night and Dabbing on Saturday, lol Wearing a caftan to the Walmart and Booty Shorts to homecoming. We sit in many different areas of adulthood in this day and time and there is no real clear cut transition anymore.
When it comes to relationships and women there seems to be several schools of thought (1) I am so damn happy that I made it with this person, and every damn day you will HEAR about our joy and happiness (2) Niggas ain’t shit and me and my body are tired. If I can’t get the love I want, I surely can get my house note paid while I pretend I am (3) Sorry I am unfulfilled and I think I’ll go out here and see what this world has to offer; (4) I have built such a strong protecting set of walls called Children and God/Church that I can live forever..as long as they don’t go away (5) I have been lucky to find me someone compatible and I’m not gonna fuck it up and finally (6) I’m just out here chilling, lol
Personally, I have no real clear cut answer as to whether or not I consider myself this ‘woman’ now that I’m turning 50. There are parts of me that have to bolster the ‘I’m Grown” feeling EVERY SINGLE DAY!! I still feel fear (a lot), I still experience Bullying, I still am not as versed in speaking up as I’d like to be. There are parts of me that still have no idea what life will be like the day my only child really leaves the nest, I am still afraid of being….alone.
What I do think, however, is that I have reached a point where I am fully ready and willing to define my own life and make it agreeable to me. I think that I know myself and that is half the damn battle. I am more comfortable than ever doing what is necessary to make sure that ‘me’ smiles more than frowns. I give myself the proper attention, the proper space, the proper love. Relationship wise: If I can’t be myself, then I will be BY MYSELF. I am no longer afraid of being in the position of ‘not in control’ and I will live my life with my man the way I want.
This 50 thing is coming up fast and I think there are expectations that as a woman (and a man as well) we are suppose to be at this great door of wisdom, knowledge and understanding…I humbly submit that if I make it to 50 the most you are gonna get outta me is a wonderfully drawn, vibrantly colored shell of a mess – the joy is that there is color, cause let me tell you, it has taken a lot to get out of the black and white.