How Did You Get Here?

 

 

I opened my eyes and all I saw was chocolate….strong, masculine, rippled with muscle..a visual of so many things both pleasurable and sorrowful…the back of a black man is what I saw and everyone of them tells a story…yet on this morning…it was just chocolate and all I wanted to do was take a….lick 

You know sometimes I wish I could make up some portions of my life because it just blows me away.  I knew him back in the day…He was ‘that dude’ you know we all have ‘that dude’ the one that would have you stepping so far outside of yourself, that you need GPS to find you again.  I can’t speak for other people, but a black man will have you so shot out there, you will never find your way home, lol  We met on the net many moons ago, when the net was the surest bet to find you some late night conversation.  It was intense, the conversation lasting for hours full of depth and intrigue.  We met in person and the attraction transferred from the clickety clack of fingers on keyboards to sizzling hands on body parts.  I dove HEADFIRST into that lake, not knowing how to swim be damned!!

Like most passionate encounters all of it is not positive and this was one hell of a roller coaster ride.  I have more journals about this than anything else in my life.  Pages and Pages of what would be the equivalent of the most divine teenage angst just short of Romeo and Juliet.

Eventually it exploded, flinging me back down to earth, slamming my body into the deepest valley.  I lay there as goats and other animals, attempted to pick at my flesh, I didn’t care, it was the most painful break up I have ever experience before or since.

Yet the graciousness of God is that when he gets to you and props you up, you can’t do anything but take that first step and that I did, life goes on but there is this beauty about when your heart has been seared by another, it let’s you know that you are alive and even if the memory is painful in spots, you visit there sometimes..just because.  A woman has a deep well of secrets and the heart has many compartments capable of loving fully and individually without spilling into parts that have been sealed.

Now here comes the novel part….a decade and some days later..another chapter of my life is ending.  The Gemini duality in me comes in handy because I can effectively split my life into two parts and each part living almost independently of the other.  Go figure.  I am distraught.  While I am flinging every mental file folder from every file drawer in my mind, looking for understanding – there’s another part of me that is antsy for what the future holds.  I keep pushing forward and then out of NOWHERE there he is.  An email…A update that we both failed at the last leg of our journey…a hesitant finger down an even more hesitant cheek…a gentle breeze slowly igniting kindling left simmering in a private space..until the door is burned down by the inferno that lurks within.

There was no diving this time, lol  I’m older and wiser and every journey at this point of life deserves the appropriate reverence because we are getting to a space in time where any journey might be our..last.  We spend a lot of time with the “GET OUT” look on our face because it seems so wowish even still.  There needed to be a reconciliation and packing away of the past and a new chapter opened up for this story, yet the attraction is a long thread..with a loop..and then a continuation, strong as it ever was.

I have no idea where this ride is going and I actually take time to make sure I don’t get bogged down in that.  Life and love is not as cut and dry as we might like it to be. It might not be in the same room, the same city, the same part of the country.  It might be enhanced by technology or hindered by social media.  It might not be blessed by everyone, but the thing that is continues to be is….yours.  This is the latest chapter in my book and I dont’ want to spoil it for myself by writing the ending when we are in the middle.

I am not a spooky person, but I am SURELY a romantic with many tinges of the passion, joy and angst of teenage love. This fits all the bill and then some.  I don’t know how He got here, I don’t know (though I hope) he will stay awhile. Hell life looks so different now, I hope I stay awhile. and actually as long as there is HOPE, we got a good damn chance out here.

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