As I’ve been moving around out here post Divorce (and I’ve spoken about this before – though it might not have been articulated in the best way) I’ve been taking a hard look at what I’d like in my next relationship. I feel like I need to develop a mission statement, lol
“I would like to meet a man with a certain level of sophistication in line with his age and life experience, who has a good balance of Corporate and Street Smarts, is about his money and self sufficient, who is working smart at this point in his life instead of hard, who has total command of his manhood and place in this world as a Black man, Is conscious and understands the plight of his people, Someone who intrigues me in and out of the bedroom, who can lead and be given suggestion and who is ready to discover and explore what life has to offer at this point in our lives.”
Ok, I kinda liked that.
Sooo…I ran into someone I dated along time ago on the dating site, that happens. We connected only because it wasn’t a bad breakup or anything and it was nice to see a familiar face (I REALLY need to break up with more fire and brimstone – like for real, lol) We decided AS FRIENDS to catch a movie and lunch. I wont get into the particulars, but part of our conversation – that went to the LEFT quite quickly was talk about the dating site and wants and needs at this point in our lives….then he said this….
You’ve changed..you used to be so down for the Brothers
At first I took mad offense to this statement and then I took a minute and looked at the entire scope of the conversation and the climate in which we now live and where I was when he first met me to now.
I have spoken, probably quite off the cuff about the things I’ve wanted to, for lack of a better word, ‘upgrade’ in my life when it came to how my relationships went and I have titled it “I would like to not have a ‘build a brother’ situation, I’m tapped out.
The problem with that statement is that Brothers have become ULTRA sensitive to certain things because, quite frankly, there are some sisters who have made it difficult for some of us to want to upgrade our relationships. So when you say things like, I’d like him to be ‘established’ and not be ‘struggling’ or that you would like him to be in s space in his life where he doesn’t have small full time children and he has his own residence, car etc. they bristle.
There are caveats to just about everything and sure, I don’t have all my own shit together 100% – but I do know that I am more inclined now that if I were to get into another serious relationship, he needs to be meeting me at least 45% to the middle and not 25%. It’s one thing to be loyal and support the black man and I ALWAYS WILL AND NEVER STOP, but I’ve gotten to old to be doing it just because you are a…black man.
Our conversation went downhill quickly and as I let him out of my car at the train station because his car was ‘broken’ I quielty thanked him for that conversation because it solidified for me that it’s ok to GROW, to WANT MORE, and to NOT APOLOGIZE for that.