Today seems fitting for this topic as it would have been my 8th wedding anniversary…
I woke up on Saturday and immediately upon opening my eyes I realized something..it’s been a year and thus the Divorce bereavement has ended. It actually lasted a bit longer than I thought. I am THANKFUL that I know people both online and off that gathered around me and moved as a unit to help me as I adjusted. The circle wide enough to allow me to run around and let it out, but not so wide that I hurt myself. However, this past Saturday, I woke up and realized what had been bubbling up inside of me..that period was over, everyone has gone back to their lives and I am officially…A TABLE FOR ONE.
Hmm this is interesting to say the least. It also has been difficult to express the way I feel. We all are split into these many roles and placed into these multiple scenarios that ‘define’ us and for me – I have had a total shift of definition, role and perceptive. The entire scope of what I had defined am myself has been changed in BIG ways. You would think that the elimination of Wife would be the big one..but oh no! The triple combo of WIFE, MOTHER, FAMILY knocked it out the park…I have officially been thrust into that elusive….next that folks talk about. Most times you are hoping that you embark upon it with a significant other because then you can lean on each other but when you have to do it by yourself..there is an adjustment period.
I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m a believer in time’s for things. When it’s over it’s over and you should move into another level of it or scenario. I went to bed one day full into the roles I listed above, I woke up another day and I’m just…this woman named Pam. Whoa! Whew!! Who is all hell is that and what is she suppose to do? Did I write this plan down anywhere?! Um HELLO!!
I became a wife at 19, mother at 27, widow at 28 and then single mom for a lonnng time. There was a live in there and then there was another marriage….you get where I am going with this…THIS is the first time basically I am just doing…Pam for the most part. Wow!
I can basically get up, get dressed, and leave the house. I can wash for just me, cook for just me, lay around with just me or who ever the hell I want – out in the open (for the most part) and that’s fascinating..yet real scary on a certain level.
Now my daughter is still my biggest financial obligation but she is 21, yes she lives with me and we hang out and what not but I’m not her main focus and she..is..no…longer..mine. I LOVE my daughter but I’m not IN LOVE with her, lol She is chaffing to live her life and I would never do her the disservice of stunting that by occupying my time with her life. When she asks me to be there, I am, but otherwise, we are two women living in the same place..we share a kitchen, and laundry and my wallet, lol
I have no interest in ‘reliving’ or ‘recapturing’ something I thought I missed because I feel like I haven’t really missed anything. I think the biggest thing itching at me is creating a viable social life. I have friends good, great friends and circles of people who I hang with and it’s not that I’m giving them up or no longer interested in those activities, I just need some new folks. I get like this sometimes. The last time I joined the book club and it was a great move, loves them. This time, i want to go vaguer and broader and bigger. This is a metropolitan city and there are plenty of people like me. Not all the way in the light but wavering somewhere in the middle. Since I also don’t subscribe to the notion that UPS, even though they now deliver on Sunday’s is going to show up with a package labeled, Pam’s life. I have to get to the business of living!! I can do just about anything by myself and some things (like working out) I prefer BUT I also know that when the voices in my head get to loud, I need to stop talking to them and talk to other people, other people who are riding solo in more than say just single, but no longer in a family role per say, because there are no team sports, loads of laundry, sniffles, PTA’s etc. in my life anymore.
I’ve already begun taking steps and I see some exciting things coming up for me. New stories to tell, people to meet and adventures to go on and be a part of.
I’m sure several readers are in some stage of this, if you are around my age but because of Grand children, extended family, other underage children, marriage you really don’t ever step outside of those roles and so you have time to go before you have to address this. As rambling as this is, you can see how it’s hard to put into words. It’s not a sadness (if you have lived in a place of reality that it’s the natural progression of life) but a moment of reflection, a retirement party prep of sorts…
I read somewhere that the first 50 is to learn and the next is to live…..HERE I COME!!!