So I would consider my mental state to be a bit ‘extra’ lately. I’m post this divorce and in some healing and growth that began before that – I have just decided that I create the worry and anxiety in my life by filing my plate with things that produce these feelings. I therefore will just stop doing that. We all have baggage, but at some point, you just gotta stop sitting in that closet and rolling around in that shit. It’s gonna be there – pluck it out if it is current and relevant to something happening that moment, otherwise leave that shit in there, close the door and look around the ROOM where you are suppose to be living your life.
I’ve been kinda fast, if I say so myself, when it comes to the fellas. However, I look at it as seeing where things are out there. I haven’t been out there in a minute and one promise I made to myself was that as I move on out here, I would like to NOT use the internet. Every relationship I have had over the past say 16 years has began on the internet. I just find it convenient, it exercises all my good qualities up front etc. BUT you know what, I have some good qualities that should be able to engage and interest a brother the old fashioned way. So I’ve been practicing and trying to observe the sisters who do get hit on etc. etc.
I’ve also been rethinking and making changes to my thought process about how I am presenting. One time a dude told me that I made a great wife but my girl friend was lacking. Ultimately it was a kind way of saying that I give wife attention to boyfriends, lol I nuture, that’s what I do. If you have my interest then I take interest in you, I listen to you find out what you like, how to please you, how to make you smile – the problem with that is two fold (1) all men don’t deserve it (2) all men don’t ask for that (3) a lot of todays men are scared of that and (40 I forget to make sure someone is learning that stuff about me!
In some circles, women have started to ‘dude up’ themselves (I’ve heard it called that) If a man is cool and distant with you, you get that way with him. He can’t express himself, you ‘man’ up and act like you dont’ care. In my opinion that does nothing but give you emotional constipation, lol I am a WOMAN not a MAN so I’m not acting like shit, you either are receptive to what I have to say about our coupling or you’re not. However, there is some adjusting, I also am a person who will beat a dead horse – no more. If it ain’t working, then it ain’t and I will walk away. Not doing any chasing, not piecing together shit that the glue has already worn off on, it’s not about being bitter – it’s about being smart. I’m almost 50 — really can’t be set back anymore in my life when it comes to romance……
and then there is this….
I have worked a long time and in mapping out my life, I never really put myself first or wanted to reward myself. I was so focused on surviving and making sure my man and family were happy (when that was the case). I almost felt ashamed to say I had material desires and especially in todays world when relationships are based on pocketbooks, weave, shoes etc. If you want to be different – you have to shelve your materialistic nature, lol However (been using that a lot today) I want a nice car, something sporty something that says my child is 21 and I’m out here being fast, lol So I am looking at a convertible, an american car because it needs to be practical. A beemer or Mercedes are cool, but the maintenance is beyond my scope – this can be fixed by pookie, lol As well as, I am intending to not have a car note! I want to just purchase and keep it moving. If I pull this off, it will be to great personal satisfaction
So I feel like I am operating in a mid-life state of mind, but there is no crisis behind it – just me stretching, growing and releasing in the breeze lots off…fucks – soon I really won’t have any, lol