I have been wondering exactly why I keep trying when it comes to love. I know folks who have given up a long time ago. I know folks who have built walls so high even tough mudder participants can’t get over em. This is not exclusive to women either – there are a lot of men who have thrown in the towel. So why do I still believe on the same level that I did as a young girl?
Personally, I think that it has a lot to do with the fact that I was never taught to dislike the process of love and i took that to heart. I started ‘liking’ boys at like 10. I also kinda knew distinctly that they could give you great pleasure, lol No the views that I had were not ‘perfect’ but they didn’t scar me from the process either. Also, another possible angle is that I saw a lot of stuff I didn’t want to be involved in so I ‘created’ this buffer that keeps me open to it. My ability to create fantasy about such things as romance and love from a young age might have protected me and that might be good and bad.
I also think that I have a renewed sense of the concept because I feel like the next go round will be more earthy in nature. I feel like the next time will feed me in a different way than before. The next time will feed me the person and not me the ‘brand’.
Let me explain, I have said for most of my life that i was raised to be a ‘wife and mother’ and I have always led with that – I don’t even spend a lot of time just grooving with dudes – i go right into that role. Folks know me for being that and i have always just taken care of Pam in a separate space and box. I can admit, i have been a ‘wife’ to most of the men I’ve been serious with – even if that’s not something they wanted or….deserved. It’s not that I want to change any of that because it’s been a part of the journey here…However, I’m ready to be a man’s woman, a man’s lover and a man’s friend.
I will still be all the things that I have always been because that’s who I am – but I no longer want to be solely responsible for Pam – I’m ready to share Pam and explore her further.
The man for me doesn’t have small children and I mean they need to be over 18 (maybe 16 depending on the situation). The man for me needs to be fully set up and functional – house, car, job. The man for me needs to be money proficient. The man for me needs to be health conscious. The man for me needs to be WELL versed in his sexual orchestra and WAY ready to learn my stanza.
I’m actually really excited in a new and interesting kinda way about what my future might hold for me. I am in the process of stretching and working muscles that I might not have used before. We are such complex creatures that many parts of us are athropied and that’s what life is about…finding parts of us we might have missed or never found or misused or overused and see what we can do with them. We just never know…we just never know.