Makes Me Wanna Scream!

Peek in the shadow, come into the light
You tell me I’m wrong, then you better prove your right!
You’re selling out souls but I care about mine
I’ve got to get stronger, and I won’t give up the fight!
With such confusion don’t it make you want to scream? [Make you want to scream?]
Your bash abusing victimize within the scheme!

You try to cope with every lie they scrutinize!

Somebody please have mercy, cause I just can’t take it!
Stop pressuring me, just stop pressuring me
Stop pressuring me, make me want to scream!
Stop pressuring me, just stop pressuring me
Stop pressuring me, make you just want to scream!

“scream” – Michael and Janet Jackson

I found out early on that I was NOT a bad ass, lol  I was an easy target due to my quiet (yea I know) nature  to be picked on.  I would have rather had my head in a book or playing quietly with my dolls than participating in a lot of things that other girls my age were doing.

Fast forward to High School, which surprisingly for me, didn’t really include bullying etc. I was in a self-contained ‘cool’ crew and pretty well liked and accepted across the board. For a girl who wore thick glasses, was corny, wasn’t’ allowed to go most anywhere etc. I had great High School years if you asked me.

Fast forward to Tuesday, July 1, 2014, interestingly enough, I have been bullied MOST of my Adult years all the way up to around 8:30pm last evening.  I’m not sure what it is, but at some point, I got really bad at confrontation and having crucial conversations and just all in all standing up for myself. I became ‘voiceless’ against the antagonizes.  My family has bullied me on and off for years.  My Mother has bullied me (at a certain point you are no longer ‘teaching’ your children, you too, as a parent, can be a bully).  And on and off throughout the years, I have been bullied by females in particular.

To combat all of this, I tended to just stay to myself.  I started to feel like I couldn’t be who I was, I couldn’t maintain peace in my life and I certainly couldn’t use my voice and be heard effectively. I could never figure out how to defend myself…so I ‘ate’ it.

A series of passive/aggressive moments have littered my life, those moments when the cup just gets so full, it spills out unchecked.  It became so tiring, the binging and purging of emotions, feelings, hat I decided to put a stop to it.

What is it?  “Putting a stop to allowing others to define who I am”.  Quiet as it’s kept, I am a kind, low key, trusting, soft person.  I don’t see everything in black and white and I am really not that hype in my spirit.  I don’t do things because it will bring me money and or fame, I do things because I like doing them.  I love being in the spotlight, but I don’t seek it.  How could I possibly say that I have worked SO hard to discover who I am and become comfortable with that and then not allow myself to be that.

So for several years, and with the help of some qualified professionals, I have been ‘doing the work’ and really started to just be…Pam.  It has been a hard tow to row because I tend to end up around very strong personalities in my life and those personalities will and sometimes take pleasure in running over someone like me.  Being a quiet or non-confrontational person does NOT make that person weak, just as you being a complete ass doesn’t make you strong.  I have found though in the quietness, there is ample opportunity for others to ‘see’ you and also ‘see’ them.  I find that not muddying the water allows everyone and everything to rise to the top.

I also got a great amount of peace in finding out and sitting with my biological father.  It put some perspective on my spirit because we have like spirits.

In my love life, I am always seeking “sometimes with bad results’ an Alpha man because I am strongest riding shotgun to strength.  I’m a strong woman as evidenced by being out here all these years making the damn thing happen, but I need to ‘plug in’ to some stronger energy.

Soo..I reflected last night after my conference call on how far I’ve come and how far I need to go in this area.  I stay behind the 8 ball with some folks.  It’s always funny, because they don’t think I know that they talk about me behind my back, or undermine what I do, or joke as if I’m corny or whatever, all while grinning in my face.  They come at me with all the fast talking and loudness and it is just my nature to back down. I have to process shit first before I respond.

I have come to the conclusion that strength is not in the ability to overpower but to be powerful.  Tearing someone down to make yourself look good has never had much success. I know this from EXPERIENCE.

HOWEVER, please do not take my ‘Hippie” stance as some sort of weakness that you have permission to exploit.  I am a slow boil but when I go off I go OFF.  Even if my going off is in separating myself from you or no longer making you a priority or speaking up as to what I have going on in my life that doesn’t agree with what you have going on.  If I ‘see’ you then assume you have been ‘seen’.

I wake up every morning with a lot of free time in my life cause it’s not filled with the never ending task of being evil.  That is so tiring for those that practice it and those that are victims of it.

I’m a work in progress and I have been the author and director of plenty of drama in my day, but with each day I am becoming more and more comfortable with Pam and she’s one hell of a cool lady, so yea you can continue to make it your business to try to back me up against a wall or set me up to fail or even outright trip me in the hallway – but look around and in particular look around at MY life – yea I know right?  LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL


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