TOM is a B!tch!!!!

TOM

 

Around 6:50 am this morning my internal clock began the process of waking me up.  Usually it starts with my ears, I begin to hear well before I open my eyes.  However, this morning was different in that my entire body felt like storms, darkness and retribution.

YESTERDAY, I was broke but this morning I was $2.50 away from being on the street, YESTERDAY, the left side of my bed had been empty for months, but this morning my pillows were doing all kinds of decadent nasty stuff and taunting me.  Yesterday, Michael Jackson had been dead for five years, this morning he died at 6:50 am and Whitney at 6;51 am!!

I lay there, frozen by the feelings rushing through me and slowly opened my eyes.  I looked around and there sitting at the edge of my bed in a Hawks classic throwback, drinking out my GOOD coffee cup and smoking a Newport was…..

MY UTERUS

It looked at me with distain and went “Yo Bitch bout time you got up – we got thangs to discuss”

SIGH – some folks go with Aunt Flo, but I prefer TOM (Time Of the Month) because this HAS to be a man, lol TOM stays doing wayyy to much and upsetting an already delicate balance that comes with being a woman.

I crawled out of bed and immediately felt like I had gained all my weight back, As me and TOM made our way to the bathroom – TOM made sure I looked in the mirror and almost collapse at the reflection of me looking bout 4 months pregnant.  Usually I stop and flex and what not (really I do) but this morning, I didn’t even turn the light on.  TOM pushed me to stand on the scale to further take me down “In My Feelings Lane” and then we made a Left on “This Has Got To Be Hell Boulevard” when the digital numbers came up.

I’ve never really had cramps or really any real emotional issues until recently. I suppose it’s because I’m getting OLD!! My last visit to my Dr. informed me that I wasn’t even in pre-menopause, but I beg to differ.  I have been sweating like a shish kabob at nights for a few months now and this whole emotional shift has got me tripping.

I don’t like being weepy, emotional, and on the edge.  This is dangerous territory.  As a Gemini, I am already dealing with several folks who battle for attention, now add in this evil bitch and things can get sticky, lol  Old Loves can get cussed out, potential loves can get a sobbing, thirsty woman, work can just be burned to the ground and I can use my super laser beam that is located in my right eye to take out everything else, lol.

I battle with that because these emotional times are still not a time (no matter how out of control they seem) for a woman to use it as an excuse to be irresponsible, unkind and just evil, but now that I am sitting here lighting up some weed with TOM, I can understand why.

It is just so interesting how the perspective changes in the blink of an eye – exactly why, if the purpose of all of this is procreation, would you get so mean!!  Oh I know because this is about the fact that you DIDN’T get pregnant!  I was some kinda glowy, dewey, love goddess LAST WEEK!!  This week, not so much, lol lol

I had asked my Dr. could I donate it to science. I wasn’t having anything else coming out of there and I was going to make a Vasectomy a requirement for any man I dated that was still performing LIVE.  I’m cool with the backing track..really I am. He told me that there was nothing wrong with me, therefore, he would be letting nature take it’s course…SIGH

So TOM and I will be kicking it for the next few days or so and as TOM always does, it’s nothing but a non-stop party!  I mean eating flour straight out the bag because nothing but carbs will do, trying on maternity shirts just for fun, staring blankly at the television set while you cry on Master Chef because the chicken didn’t come out right and avoiding your closest folks because TOM will have you talking slick as hell.

If you see me out back of your home, tasting the various weeds, just leave me alone, one of these combos causes your uterus to fall out. I just know it.

So I sat around with TOM this morning, smoking, sharpening knives, writing ugly things on the living room wall and pondering life as only TOM can make you ponder.

On a certain level, looking at the glass half empty sometimes can inspire you to do better, be better etc. and it can also tap you into what might really be going on.  One of my spiritual advisors Iyanla Vanzant talks about being quiet and listening and though TOM works my last nerves…he does give me a moment to be quiet and listen to him and his point of view. It will always be my decision to believe it or not, but it ‘might’ could be used as that friend who won’t let you go out looking like a fool.

Let us PRAY that TOM doesn’t ruin my life, cause he sure knows how to fuck up a good mood!

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