So I was having a talk with my counselor over the weekend, always amazed at how much of a strong force it has been during this recent period of my life. I was like “Eliptical Machine, should I be feeling some other kinda way than the way I feel now about the demise of my marriage?” You see more than once, I’ve been asked about or given the side eye because I have not taken to my bed like a good Southern girl should during these times of strife.
It seems that there are certain events that should, particularly among certain women in my color bracket, have me getting out my ski mask, Vaseline, matches and hatchet. However, I am sorry to disappoint you and it’s cool if you take back my ‘Black Women Stay Losing in Love” card, because it has NOT destroyed me.
I am not putting on a face for the public, when you see me flitting around living my life, only to go home, and crawl into bed holding an old T-shirt and crying, while my nether regions dry up and weep alongside me. I’m not sniffing pillows for scent or spending inordinate amounts of time facebook stalking (in fact we have unfriended each other). I have not called up some previous ‘loves’ and cussed them out, nor have I DVR’ed every episode of “Snapped” as I plot my revenge. I also have not held a Divorce party or told everyone I know how absolutely awful the black man is and how I’m swearing off them until the end of time. Not looking to ‘turn tricks’ ‘have sponsors’ ‘be a side chick’ ‘be a sudden lesbian’ or ‘buy out Inserections’ LOL
I am QUITE respectful of the process of grief and healing and the seriousness of Divorce and believe you me, during this process I have had my moments, but as a person who has had an actual nervous breakdown AND has to keep their penchant for depression in check. This isn’t it.
I can’t necessarily tell you why, yes it has hurt, but it has not negatively impacted my ability to move forward in life. In fact, I have come out of this like a diamond in the rough. I really have.
One of my ‘spiritual teachers’ Iyanla Vanzant preaches about doing the work. She never quite says that the work is not without consequences. I started doing my work almost two years ago and ramped it up last year January by accepting a fitter/healthier lifestyle. Well in doing the work, I actually looked up and saw myself in another chapter of the book. The Book is LIFE – the Chapter is “After Divorce”.
The truth is I’m not over it – you never ‘get over’ the impact of spending 8 years with another human being, but you can look at it for what it is, give it a place in your life and KEEP LIVING.
Do I miss some of it? Sure, like anything else when it was good it was good, but hell in the beginning Cocaine is good, the issue arises when you don’t acknowledge that it isn’t and you sitting in the back of some warehouse with a glass dick in your mouth talking bout “whoo this is good” No it isn’t baby, no it isn’t.
In MY life, I have always stuck around too long, tried too hard, accepted more than my fair share – well THIS time, I had the courage to say TO MYSELF “Pam you are not happy, Pam this is feeling wrong, Pam you are crying, Pam you are hurting, Pam you have tried to make it work, Pam you are tapping out, Pam it’s ok to say, it’s not what you want for this part of your life”
I applaud folks who have interpreted the institution of Marriage as a ‘till death do you part’ in the physical sense, so you fight and stick it out – however, I also have great respect for folks who applaud and honor the institution of LIFE and the fact you only get one with many opportunities to recreate how you want it to look. I stand in line humbly accepting my invitation to join that group.
I’m fine ya’ll really. The journey continues and STILL I RISE!!