I woke up this morning and blinked…YEP still divorced. I immediately focused on my calming areas of my room, mostly Michael Jackson, lol Another day I’m blessed to see, time to get up and see what I can get into.
“Always strive for Graduation, being a lifetime student is inevitable, but at some point you have to graduate” – Pam 5/2014
I said that this past weekend and it became apparent to me, how significant my own ‘ah-ha’ moment was in my life. How significant All the ‘Ah-ha” moments I’ve had over the last couple of years have been.
I looked at that one piece of paper that afternoon and acknowledged that your entire life will probably end up on one piece of paper, so you need to figure out how much you can get in that space.
I am a believer that ‘till death does you part’ isn’t always a physical death. We live in several spaces in the universe, not just physical and any one of those may begin to feel the burden of…death.
“Enjoy the time that has been designated for you to grow up, because it’s VERY hard to do it while you are trying to pay your rent” – Me to my Daughter 2014
Most things have a ‘season’ – so why shouldn’t love? The realization of just how significant the season of our love was, makes parting almost joyous in a manner of speaking.
It was the REALEST conversation I’ve EVER had. It was the most ADULT conversation I’ve ever had and it was the most FREEING conversation I’ve ever engaged in, up to this point.
“Keeping vegetables in the ground longer than necessary does not make them bigger, it spoils them” – Pam 2014
Don’t think it wasn’t a ‘shock’ to me, because it was..the volcano erupting inside my soul, spilling out despite my best attempts, covering everything around me with ash, the beauty of ash is that it perserves….
Did I want to be out here in this new climate single at 48? UM NO! Did I want to wake up day after day in turmoil? UM NO! So it’s six in one hand and half a dozen in the other, but self- preservation is a must.
I have learned so much and this relationship was the catalyst for a lot of it. Standing in the midst of the light when it shined, helped me garner the right amount of fire to light my own pilot light.
“To be beautiful enough to light someone’ else’s flame at the expense of your own is a true moment of love” – Pam 2014
It reminds me of when my beloved Sister Jewell, saw me sitting on the porch longingly looking at these two girls play across the street, I just didn’t have the courage to cross the street and join in – she told me “If you don’t go over there and introduce yourself to those girls, I will push you over there”
Well I (and him) needed to get up and go across the street and introduce ourselves to the next chapter of our lives.
The peace I feel going forward was because of the season of the relationship. My daughter has a FATHER and he came at a time where now forever more, her standards have been elevated on what she wants from a man. I got a snippet of something I had always wanted, the husband, two car, two vacations, weekend with friends BBQ life. I became an adult and I HAVE to be grateful for that or the next part of my life won’t even matter.
This is over, it won’t ever be again and this ‘conscious uncoupling’ was done with respect, dignity and in private.
However, the Pamela who is stepping out of it, is all kinds of READY for the next chapter!! God has been gracious and nurturing and protective of me for some reason and I trust Him that He is the BEST knower. My soul is open and my heart is receptive because I BELIEVE. I BELIEVE that the relationship was brought into my life for the reasons I know it was, I BELIEVE that it left for the reasons that it I know it did, I BELIEVE that it was for the best irregardless of what others might think and I BELIEVE that we both have become and will be better people forever because of it.
No use in crying over it anymore. I have shed my tears, I have felt my guilt and I have mourned my loss and now I want to celebrate my FUTURE because it’s going to be BRIGHT!!
For the past couple of years, I have used “And Still I Rise” as my tagline to just about everything I have been doing in the way of doing the ‘work’ on this day, the passing of Sister Dr. Maya Angelou, I thought it would be most appropriate to officially begin this blog and all that it might represent to myself and others…
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may tread me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history’s shame
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.